Word vomit
I took a sick day today. Sick days are momentous occasions for me. Momentous occasion of defeat. Or surrender. I guess they are one and the same to me. Anyway sick days mean me in bed writing, hence this post. So be prepared for something I like to call word vomit. I am a thinker. Which is why lately I’ve been trying to fill my mind so that there is no more room left for my own thoughts. I don’t want to go there. Then I had a conversation and I fell in to that trap again. The one where I verbally process things in front of another human being. I think God uses my extrovert nature to His advantage. “If she distracts herself when she is alone, let’s orchestrate a conversation to make her verbalize things she hasn’t yet formed a full thought of in that crazy, loud, busy mind of hers.” But let me not put words in God’s mouth. That’s just how I think He handles me. Me and my mess. Anyway the thing that I realized was: I have spent 7 days straight just trying to focus on everyone else. Now this may seem noble and it may be a conscientious effort on my part to focus outwardly. But I think I may have gone a bit far, I may have placed an S on my chest where there wasn’t suppose to be one. I may have been running from my insecurities instead of facing them with truth. And in that I’ve let the small voice of the enemy continue its narrative. Naively thinking that just because it was a whisper; it wouldn’t have much impact. But “devouring lion that roams the earth” is not playing games, he is out for blood. So I realize that I’ve been tricked again into thinking in line with a false narrative. Here is the chat in case you are wondering. I focus on friends, family, patients, mentees etc. - background chat makes comments like. “How are you advising people right now - you are so NOT equipped for that.” “So and so is way wiser than you so that gut feeling you have would be the wrong thing to say””you are honestly the worst : sister, friend, leader, therapist (insert title here) and you don’t deserve the accolades you get” “You keep falling for and choosing the wrong person because you are the wrong person” Ok the previous ones I can usually fend off. That last one though. I’ve been stuck on that last one for a minute. I don’t know what it is: maybe background and maybe season of life... but the romantic relationship chat... I’m not here for it . I’ve had some messed up, unrequited, unbiblical, almost doesn’t count stuff happen lately. I’m also pushing 30 so societal pressure to be a whole married woman is real. It’s also real that this area of my life I might be least trusting God for. Because (and these are the words in my head , please reserve judgement) - how stupid is it in this day and age that my deepest desire would be : to be a wife. Like can we build the kingdom, can we grow more Christ like. Can these be our goals. I almost want to vomit that I become almost “girly” about this topic. To admit my heart is longing to be called beloved by a man. Seriously. To want all of that rib from my rib stuff. Vomit. I am NOT that girl. I mean actually I am that girl. But I will deny it til Thy Kingdom come. And with me feeling like I don’t deserve that human being, I also disqualify myself from so many other things. I don’t deserve a seat at the table, I don’t deserve extravagant love, I don’t deserve loyalty. In essence I believe that I am here to work and to serve. That I need to strive to be useful. That even this I will fail at but this, this is what I am good at. Why is this the hardest lie to break. The lie that I don’t deserve it. That I should just shut up and be thankful that I get anything at all. That my desire to be loved and cherished from this day on til death do us part is almost sinful. What is it about shame that attaches itself so easily to me? I have knowledge, biblical truth, that I can recite to dispute this topic. I can quote you the scriptures. I have quoted the scriptures to myself - thousands of times. So what is it? How do you once and for all take the shame off? How do you exchange beauty for ashes? Why do I feel like every time I have done that- I’ve burnt the beauty and turned it all back to ash again?
