Winning the battles but losing the war

This 28 year old body is exhausted. I know it’s not supposed to be. I’m in the prime of my life. I feel like a veteran. 7 years since my first diagnosis with a few more notches under my belt. This isn’t my first rodeo. 

Here’s the thing that research doesn’t seem to tell us: chronic illness is progressive. The scientific side of me knows that I’m making a statement without evidence. I don’t know the data but I know my body and after about a decade of symptoms, I feel it getting worse. And yes maybe you don’t see it. But I live with it. That’s got to count for something right. It’s got to count that I feel 30-40 years older than I am. It’s got to count that I can’t handle the same pain that use to be normal to me. Or maybe you are right and it’s just in my head. I fight so hard to seem normal. To appear healthy. That sometimes I get why my family and friends don’t seem to think I’m that sick. Maybe that’s why I get comments like: you’ve got through this before. You’ve been here before, you’ve overcome. You’re doing great. And I want to scream: No I’m not. I’m suffocating, can’t you see how I’m suffocating. Maybe it’s all just in my head. Maybe it is all just perspective. But you say that like it’s easy to change. You say it like I have some kind of switch. Press here to have a will to live. I wish it were that simple. Struggling with something for years doesn’t mean it gets easier. No matter how many times it seems you win battles. Sometimes the wounds take you off of the frontline. I know I’ve been strong, I’ve been consistent. Right now I’m none of these things. Right now all I am is tired