Lament : a lost form of worship
So a few weeks ago I wrote a blog post : Praise is a plug. The power of praise has been like a new revelation to me. That’s not my whole truth though. Today I’m going to try and write about a part of me I have been trying to cover up in church circles. Sometimes I struggle to worship God. Sometimes I don’t feel all that grateful or want to praise His name. Has any one else ever wanted to skip worship at church, or you’re standing with your hands raised singing lyrics you don’t relate to all the while internally you’re having an argument with God. Even worse yet; ever been in the thick of depression and anxiety and you are literally numb, standing in a Good Friday service not feeling anything about The Cross or Jesus who gave His life for you. Yeah maybe I’m getting too real for you guys...
I would never honestly tell church folk this. Mainly because I feel like it means somewhere I must have lost my salvation. I keep checking for it. I keep telling myself those Christianese sayings: “God works all things for good.” “God won’t give you more than you can handle” “ Stop speaking death Roxanne, speak life” I’m not saying any of these sayings are wrong (maybe out of context but that’s a whole other thing). It’s just that it all made me feel further from God than close to Him. Then I read Job. A few times. And then read psalms like psalm 22 or looked at characters in the Bible like Jeremiah, David, Elijah even Jesus himself. I realized something: these guys weren’t out here being Christianese but they came with honest complaints to God.
I’ve spent the good part of the past 2 years in a dessert. But I’ve never felt closer to God. I’m in debt that has tripled in 3 years. I’m in this debt because I’ve been sick, chronically ill and adding diagnosis after diagnosis. I was first diagnosed in 2011 but it’s been 16+ years of struggling with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, chronic fatigue,reproductive issues, you name it. This all has gotten worse in the past year. I’ve gone for healing seminars, been prayed for by friends and people with the gift of healing, I’ve fasted and currently I take communion every day. I trust God. I know this because I’ve gone through the most in life. Things I can’t even speak about here . I’ve been broken and bruised, abused. God has been God. He has climbed into my dirt and mess and wept with me.
In all of this God has only asked me one thing: sing Roxanne. Sing your song to me. The thing is I’ve always thought my song sounded too morbid. But He kept asking for it. And when I finally broke and sang to him in my pain instead of internalizing it and being silent; It started to sound like hope. See once I was honest with God about my pain I felt Him closer than ever and in bringing my hurt to Him he offered me hope. In this authentic exchange God showed me who He is in the midst of my pain. He is ABBA Father, almighty God who created the universe and at the same time Loving Father who created me and carries me.
The biggest collection of Psalms in the Bible are what they call Psalms of Lament. The psalms was like the Israelites worship book and the biggest section was something I thought was so un-Christian of me to do.
The lament songs have a certain structure. And this is how I understand that structure as maybe the most truest, powerful form of worship.
Firstly the psalmist addresses God in their sorrow (My God, My God why have you forsaken me). So a lament is not simply grieving. It’s a conversation. It’s opening your heart to God in full vulnerability. The alternative is keeping these hurts and disappointment inside. God made me realize once that this is not Holy or spiritual but the opposite: it’s pride. It’s saying God can’t handle you at your worst. It’s why I would always feel the furthest from God when I had a complaint that I didn’t bring to Him. The second part is the complaint. As I read some of these psalms I actually got uncomfortable at how raw and honest it was. But then I realized most of the psalms were written by David who is described as a man after God’s own heart. You know how you won’t just tell any random your struggles but your best friend or your husband or wife: they get to see the ugly you. That’s what I love about Davids relationship with God. It was so close that the person who David would even show his worst self to is God. And that’s what He wants from us, what He sent His son to die for: relationship. Part 3: The request. Simply put what these psalmist knew is that God is Alpha and Omega. He is the author of creation. So who better to ask to move heaven and earth to reconcile your situation. This speaks of deep understanding of who God is and who He says you are. A friend of mine has this revelation of God as Our Father: when you walk into your parents home ( even as an adult) you don’t ask every time you want to get food from the fridge or need to use water etc because you know that what your parents have is yours. There is no better place to go with your request. The Bible says it in James : you have not because you ask not. People ascribe this verse to worldly possessions or wealth but James is talking about the things of God and God is always foremost concerned with the condition of our hearts than the condition of our bank account. The last part which sometimes isn’t at the end of a psalm but woven throughout: an expression of trust. The only reason you can come with a complaint and ask God to do what seems impossible is because you have a deep trust in this omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent God. For me lament is deeply trusting God with your ugly. Like all Worship it is an offering. Maybe the most powerful offering like the widow who gave 2 mites which was ALL she had. And when you realize God is all you have and you give Him even the most broken parts of you: well then he takes your ashes and, man, what beauty He can make out of that. I’d like to end off with lyrics from the latest album by Hillsong Worship ( I’m a fan) which I think reminded me that everything belongs to God. And although we are not in the times when offerings were required I think the offering my brokenness to God as a form of worship has truly changed my perspective and brought me closer to God.
