Kelebogile's Testimony

For the first time we have a guest blogger and I am so excited for you guys to hear a bit of her story. God made my path cross with Lebo about over a year ago and I think her testimony will encourage so many to have hope. 

Hey follow her blog and be encouraged by her journey at: woundedresilience.wordpress.com

"As I write this, there are tears rolling down my cheeks. I cannot believe just how faithful God is. It is actually so incredible. He set me free. He literally saved my life. I am in awe. I have been struggling with mental illness for a very long time now, the period between 2010 and 2017 was just horrendous. Countless admissions to the psychiatric ward, self-harm and suicidal behaviour; I was living in a nightmare. I spent so many nights crying out to God, asking Him to take me. Begging Him to set me free, but this freedom I never saw. There are so many times in my life when I have walked away from Christ because I believed a lie; I believed that He was not for me. This happened to me again this year. I stopped reading the bible. I threw myself into the beguiling arms of sin because it provided me with what I felt I needed so desperately, comfort. But what I actually needed was freedom. What I needed was to know Him. I tried to hang myself. I walked to the nearest bridge and just stood there, trying to convince myself to jump. I almost spent money trying to purchase barbiturates and cyanide online. I researched gun prices. I googled whether I could die from alcohol poisoning. I stopped making plans for 2018; it made no sense to make plans because I wasn’t going to be here. At some point, I even considered withdrawing from society to lead a reclusive life so that I could prepare people for my inevitable death. I was an empty shell. I hated existing in this body. Life became that party that I just wanted to leave because I was no longer enjoying the music. On top of this, I absolutely abhorred myself. I felt like the worst human being in all of existence and I was convinced that I needed to die. There are not enough words in any language to describe the heaviness and the agony of depression and anxiety. Not enough words at all. People have been praying for me. My mother prays every night at midnight. Today, in this moment, I am free from depression and anxiety. A few weeks ago, I was at a worship service at Bryanston Bible. As I was worshipping, I broke down because I just couldn't believe that I was standing there feeling so FREE. 2 months ago, I wanted to die. Like, I was burdened by the heavy weight of my existence. Depression and anxiety were wreaking havoc in my life. I was just living with these bullies who just kept pushing my head under the water. God worked His magic on my heart and mind. He also worked through my therapy sessions to get me to this place of peace. Place of being kinder to myself. This place of freedom. God gave me a heart for Him when I just couldn't even think about him without feeling disappointed. I now see that He had never left my side, ever. Thanks, Papa. Medication and therapy are so very, very important, they treat the illness. But God heals and He restores. I never thought I'd be here, not really wanting to die. Getting out of bed before 8am. Showering everyday. Feeling the exhaustion but doing ish anyway. Not plotting my own death. Going grocery shopping by myself. Pushing through the anxiety and depression. It's a miracle. I had asked God to resurrect me because I felt like I was dead on the inside, and He did just that. Greater is He who lives in me than he who is in the world - this has been my reality. God has been soothing my soul and bringing light into the darkest parts of my being. Just so grateful for Jesus. Grateful for the financial provision that enables me to have access to therapy and I'm so grateful for my friends who are actually just family. Mental illness is very real, but God is more real. The things that overwhelm us do not overwhelm Him. He created the universe with no point of reference; just put your trust in Him, He will make a way out of nowhere. He will provide you with water in a barren land. His word is so mighty and its transformative power is beyond that which I can fathom. God is real. Jesus is real. The Holy Spirit is real – God is not an imaginary friend. He is more real than reality itself. God healed me, and He will heal you too. Even if the time comes when I find myself in the throes of depression, I will consider myself healed because IT IS FINISHED. "

By Kelebogile Motswatswa