What if it really is "all in my head"

I’ve been struggling a bit more than usual with my chronic illnesses lately. The problem is that the symptoms are very strange. Like "I don’t feel like my legs are attached to me body" strange. What makes it worse is that these symptoms come and go sporadically with no apparent pattern. These symptoms were pretty new as far as the usual bag of tricks my body sometimes pulls on me. So my immediate thoughts were to go see some Doctors. I had a few tests done and Drs concluded that it’s “all part of the chronic illness”

So at this point I had spent a bunch of money to simply be told to drink pain meds and that , just like my chronic illness, there was no cure for this. And this is the point where I broke. I was under even more financial strain with no answers, my health seemed to be deteriorating and so I mentally just switched off. I literally have blocked my current state of being from my emotions and I’m on auto pilot. I’m a robot going through my days ticking all of the boxes with my head buried deep in the sand. 

Welcome to life with multiple diagnoses of invisible illnesses with no cure. Having an invisible illness (let alone 3) is tough because you look healthy and even Drs don’t find anything on tests or scans that explain your symptoms. So I guess you have 2 choices: pretend you are fine or become an advocate for your illness and fight the system. I don’t like confrontation so I’ve spent most of my life trying to do option 1. I say most of my life because sometimes the illnesses win and you have no choice but to admit that your body is broken and nobody knows how to fix it. I don’t know if it happens for everyone but I’ve been questioning my sanity a lot lately. If the Drs can’t find anything but I definitely feel like something is wrong with my body; is it all in my head? As a health care professional I question all my health care decisions all the time. I always feel like I’m fighting for people to believe me but maybe I’m just trying to convince myself. It all gets really confusing, even with a medical background. 

I’m not very proud to say this but I have just given up on getting health care at this point. I know I’m suppose to fight, I’m supposed to raise awareness for others, be a voice of encouragement. I’m supposed to use my suffering for some kind of good. All I feel lately is tired. Tired of showing up, tired of the daily struggle, tired of being positive. So I am literally doing nothing about my health right now. I’m sitting on the bench of despair, too worn out to keep going. I keep telling myself to get up again, to just keep taking steps, but my legs won’t listen and my faith is weak. The voice in my head keeps saying : “Here you are again, in the pit that you’ve dug yourself. Waiting for someone to save you, too weak to get yourself out”. The voice keeps saying maybe I am just making this all up, maybe it is “just in my head”. 

It’s sad, to think these things about myself. It’s heart breaking to consider if it’s the truth. It’s consuming really. So this is not an inspirational post. Just to say I struggle too, I’m not as strong as everyone keeps saying.