Circumcision of the heart

(Disclaimer: this is something I wrote in June 2016. I often write to process and so I will share some of these unedited, raw thoughts)

I think that's an apt title for what God has been doing in me lately. Circumsizing my heart.  But not just like in one quick blow. But slowly bringing up different heart issues and carving away the unnecessary. And if that sounds painful, well, you don't know the half of it. The word circumcision in itself sounds painful doesn't it. Where there is pain there is beauty. Because there is something miraculous in healing. Maybe this comes from a health professional background but the process of healing is remarkable and , yes, even beautiful. And that's why the breaking is beautiful because we should always be looking to the putting back together. To the restoration. So yes pain is beautiful and discomfort is comforting. Life with God can be paradoxical like that. Beauty for ashes and all that jazz. It would take millions of words on thousands of pages to encompass my thoughts and feelings of my life's journey so far. Yet I feel like this is just the beginning. I'm just trying to pour it all out right now. Not make any sense of it but just bluntly put the pain, growth and restoration all there next to each other. Laying naked and bare and exposed. It's so dam beautiful and profound and all the good words I save for times like these. I wish I had more words. I wish I had better words. 

I think somewhere I went off topic and started with my rambling again. My mind is chaos. Chaos calls to chaos. I'm just trying to be a vessel and not hold on to anything but let it flow through me. It's a good thing Jesus is my filter. So that I can shine Him. Always, only, Jesus. I'm starting to see that both my failures and victories have the ability to bring Him glory. Because ultimately it's not up to me but I hope what shows is how He has worked in me. I hope that He works Himself through me so I radiate with His character. That's what I'm living for. I want to be a road walked on, a sign used. That's a difficult thing to say because I've been feeling so unappreciated lately but it's seemed to have reminded me that it's not about me. I guess He will always be circumsizing my heart because my flesh will just want to come and cover up what the glory of God has done. So it's a continous and sometimes agonisingly slow process this circumcision of the heart. The beauty is in the pain of the process, the becoming of a whole flesh heart from the stone one I have known all my life. 

-Fin-