No wo/man is an island (written April 2017)

I want to talk about loneliness. Really talk about it. But here's the thing, when you are in isolation there aren't really a whole bunch of people around to talk to. Or more accurately there may be people around but either they don't want to listen, don't have the capacity to understand or they are just not who you want to talk to. I've been in a state of isolation for a few months now. Like I said it's not that no one is around but I just don't feel the connections like I did before. At first, I didn't really want any of these connections, I actually mainly just wanted to be left alone... in peace. I think if we are all honest we never really want to be completely alone or at least we don't want that to be the majority of our existance. So when I suddenly found myself with no social plans, 0 messages and only talking on the phone to insurance brokers it was like clouds gathered and the colour drained all around. 

How did I get here? I cry all the time just thinking how, a few months ago, my life was so full of meaningful relationship. Solitude can, however, be a good thing. You get to really know yourself without so much outside influence. For example, I found that in most of my relationships the easiest thing for me to do is adapt to whatever the other party prefers. This is kind of the "low self-worth, insecure friends" go-to move. Even though I have a greater confidence in who God made me to be, my insecurities still play out in my closest relationships. I never voice things that bother me or tell people what I don't like. Instead I adjust myself and my expectations. Wow, talk about not having a back bone. Obviously, down the line, irritation and disapointment builds up and suddenly I turn in to a passive aggressive teenager. Seeing this written down just makes me really ashamed. I know where this behaviour stems from (being bullied and verbally beaten down as a kid, add to that - I am probably the most sensitive being I know) but my friends don't and I often just wish I would behave better. 

So I'm processing the best way I know how and I definitely do not claim to have all the answers. I decided to start with doing an introspection in how I got to this place and why sometimes I feel so isolated. So there are a few things:

1. I believe part of this is definitely a spiritual thing. Like a wilderness/ dessert type experience. It's deep calling to deep. It's faith being tested and tried in the fire. It's a part of preparation. But we can't just hyper spiritualise everything and just leave it at that. There are other issues here that need to be addressed.

2. I am non-confrontational. That sounds like it's a good thing, it's really a big weakness. I will never directly tell someone if they've hurt me or get in to a fight ; simply for fear of being wrong. So relationally I don't work through things I just cut ties.

3. I push people away when I feel vulnerable or not my best. Mostly because it would hurt more if they left me because of my inadequacy than if I walked away. Reality; both hurt. 

4. Chronic illnesses like depression, fibromyalgia and endometriosis are very isolating. You feel like no one understands. This is especially a big thing when you are part of a Christian community. You ask yourself questions like : am I not healed because I don't have enough faith, am I not healed because of sin in my life, what is the sin in my life? Eventually you just start to resent people telling you they will pray for you. Your response to "How are you?" becomes an automatic "I'm fine" or "Blessed" or "God is good". Hence distancing yourself from the people who you are suppose to be doing life with.

So those are 4 things that I have a deeper awareness of after this "period of isolation" and I'm working on them in deeper levels all the time. I think I'm becoming a better person and even if it's a bad situation (like an intense period of feeling alone), there is always a lesson to learn to better yourself.

What lessons are you learning?